Dry January: Whiteknuckling vs. Intentionality
If you’ve spent any time scrolling social media you’ve most likely come across the idea of Dry January. Maybe you’ve taken part in one yourself. Or you know someone who has.
Dry January was initially proposed as a detox, a way to reset yourself after the over-indulgent holiday-season.
And, while that’s an admirable goal, Dry January isn’t just about trying to white-knuckle your way through 31 days without a glass of wine.
On a much deeper level it’s about stepping into a new space with curiosity.
In her book, Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence, Anna Lembke, talks about how “abstaining from our drug of choice for at least four weeks gives clarifying behaviors. Insight that simply is not possible while we continue to use.”
In other words, you have no idea how shitty you really feel, when you’re using a substance that’s making you feel shitty.
And, trust me, if you’re drinking on a regular basis (meaning three or four nights a week “just to unwind”), alcohol is impacting the way you feel – mentally, emotionally, and physically – your body just doesn’t know there’s another way.
WHY EVEN CONSIDER GOING ALCOHOL-FREE FOR A MONTH
Because women are drinking more than ever, and it’s not doing us any favors. It’s impacting us mentally, socially, emotionally, and physically
A new study released in July 2023, led by Dr. Ibraheem Karaye, highlights the narrowing gender gap when it comes to binge-drinking and alcohol related deaths (read it HERE).
Not exactly the kind of gender gap we want to close.
FACT: Women in mid-life are the segment with the highest escalation in drinking. And alcohol is hitting women with the highest socioeconomic status, the most education, and the highest-status occupations, super hard.
That might seem like a shocking statistic at first, but I’m really not surprised. Gen X is hitting mid-life right about now and we’re bringing all the unresolved trauma and pain we’ve accumulate for decades.
We were told to keep pushing through the pain. We were told that we could do it all. We could have the high-paying career, the 2.5 children, the happy marriage, the perfectly decorated house, all wrapped up behind a white picket fence.
Instead, a lot of us are left with unfulfilling marriages and careers. We’re stuck between raising kids and looking after our aging parents. We’re dealing with a lot of shit.
We live in a world where we’re not supposed to be happy with who we are. We are supposed to live in a constant state of discontent. Where we get stuck in a loop of criticizing, or complaining about our bodies, our relationships, our kids, or our lack of fulfillment at work.
And in exchange for this general feeling of unhappiness in our lives we are offered an array of numbing devices such as online shopping, alcohol, and Netflix, so we can pretend we’re doing something to fill that hole deep inside of us, but it doesn’t work.
Add that to the reality of where we’ve been societally the past few years. The things we’ve been asked to juggle. The slack we’ve had to pick up. The way our lives shrunk during the pandemic and our roles shifted and many of us are unsure how to get back.
I invite you into a shame-free, judgment-free space where you can explore your relationship with alcohol.
WHITE-KNUCKLING VS. INTENTIONALITY
White-knuckling Dry January looks like carrying around resentment that you’re not drinking. Cringing at the thought of what you’re going to do when 5 o’clock hits. Worried that everyone else is having fun, and you’ve taken the boring route of focusing on your health and trying something new. Feeling scared and worried that you won’t even be able to make it through the first week (this worry could be a red flag that alcohol has started to play a pretty big role in your life. If you’re unsure, please reach out and let’s talk.)
On the surface, white-knuckling looks like strength and self-reliance, but it relies on willpower. And, you can only rely on willpower for so long before you wear it out.
White-knuckling it also leaves you stuck in the thinking that all you need to do to make it through Dry January is to quit drinking. And, yes, not drinking is obviously the main part of a dry month. But if you’re not using the time to change your routines, or dig down into some of the baggage you’ve carried around for years, then you’ll start to feel like you’re barely hanging on.
There can be so many reasons for this.
Maybe you weren’t fully prepared when you decided to try Dry January.
Maybe you don’t have a strong enough why. You didn’t take the time to fully figure out why Dry January was/is so important to you.
Maybe you’re still numbing yourself with sugar, or nicotine, or online shopping, instead of sitting with and processing your feelings.
Why not face this month with intentionality instead?
Intentionality looks like taking this moment and using it as an opportunity to dig deep into the why of your drinking and potentially redefining your relationship with alcohol. It’s like you’re going on a fact-finding mission, where you’re setting out to see how much data you can collect about yourself and your relationship to alcohol.
Stepping into Dry January from a place of intention will move you from resenting the fact that you can’t drink, where you think your missing out on everything, to a place of pure joy and radical self-acceptance.
All you need is a willingness to do this work for yourself. It’s messy work. Life is messy. Numbing yourself for years or decades, was like shoving all the crap on your bedroom floor into your closet so your room looked clean. Now it’s time to deal with all that stuff you shoved in the closet. Sort through it. Keep what you need, and get rid of the rest.
I get it. It’s scary to be alone with your thoughts because all of a sudden there is nothing there to buffer those thoughts. To dull those thoughts. To numb those thoughts. To slow those thoughts down. They are out in the open and staring you in the face.
THAT’S WHERE EMBRACING CURIOSITY COMES IN
Because of the cultural role alcohol plays in our society, you might not even remember what life was like before you started drinking. There is a built-in sense of fear when you take that first step into the unknown.
Curiosity is the antidote to that fear.
Curiosity is about being fully present for your life. I always think about the last two lines from Mary Oliver’s poem The Summer Day – “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”
My answer, for so many years, was to sit on my couch with a bottle of wine, most nights of the week. That was what I was choosing to do with my “one wild and precious life.”
So, how do you step into curiosity when you’re not even sure of what you’re curious about?
Ask yourself a lot of questions.
How do you really feel?
What feels true right now?
What do I really need?
What could I do instead?
Write those answers down. Or leave voice memos to yourself. Get to know who you are again. Reacquaint yourself with your goals, passions, and interests.
My suggestion to you in this brand-spanking new year, is to give yourself the gift of four weeks of abstaining from alcohol.
It doesn’t have to be permanent. But, it does have to be honest. Collect all the data you can about how you think, and feel, and move, and live, when you’re not drinking alcohol.
This is where the magic happens. Clarity, resilience, emotional honesty and vulnerability, increased self-awareness, and self-trust. All of these things are hidden under that bottle of wine.
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If you’re ready to get curious about your relationship with alcohol you can learn more HERE.
I’ve got you.