I'm Tired of Being Everyone's Emotional Support Person

Last week I was in the middle of my yoga practice when the teacher told us to get into tree pose.

Fine. No problem. Tree pose is one of my favorites.

But then she started tell us to view our arms as these wide-open branches that were there to offer shelter to others. And, to root into the ground and imagine that we were these big strong trees where others could come lean against us and get support and nurturing.

I must be honest, the first thought that went through my mind was, “Fuck that.” I mean, as a single mom, I’ve been doing that for so long. Offering shelter to everyone. Offering support and understanding and compassion, often at the expense of offering those same things to myself.

I came to the realization that I can no longer be everyone’s emotional support human. And, yes, absolutely, as a mother I understand that is part of my role, but not at the expense of losing myself.

So many boundaries were blurred when I was drinking. I thought that the weight of the world was on my shoulders, and that I needed to look after everyone else because that way I could justify the bottle of wine I was drinking every night. All the extra hours I put in to make sure everyone was supported — mentally, physically, and emotionally. Then at the end of the day I could look myself in the mirror and tell myself that I was a good mother, even though I was dying on the inside. I had to look good on the outside, like I had it all together, or someone would discover my secret of sitting alone on my couch and drinking most nights.

I spent so long looking after everyone but myself. It was an easy habit to get into. If I didn’t spend time focusing on myself, then it was easier to ignore all the things I was tolerating. It’s so much harder to take that good honest look inside, so much easier to pour yourself a glass of wine and pretend you’re making it all disappear.

I am so thankful my sobriety was solid when the pandemic hit. Women’s alcohol use has increased 41% during the pandemic, and I can see how easily that happened. Trying to balance all the things — home, work, and caregiving duties — is no joke. And when you’re stuck trying to make all the things better, you lose yourself, and wine becomes that spark you need to feel anything.

Moving forward is about trying to find balance again in who you are. Where you end and others begin. That can be the struggle because you know that once you start asking for more space, or setting some more definitive boundaries, the people in your life might start to feel a little slighted. Setting those boundaries with love and compassion and letting others know why you need to put them in place, can help take out some of that sting.

Trust me, you are worth every boundary you put in place. Be there for the people you love. But don’t forget to be there for yourself.

If you’re ready to begin exploring your relationship with alcohol please reach out and book a STRONGER SOBER session. I've got you.